On searching for a job, or Finding your unique face in a sea of applications.

A lot has changed since my last post.

 

First and foremost:  I graduated from college!  I now have a B.A. in English with an Honors Interdisciplinary minor and an Art History minor.

This sums up my feelings pretty well.

 

Secondly, and not really surprisingly, I have discovered that the real world does not quite glitter with the hope and promise of the academic world.

 

Now kids, when they tell you at school that every single one of you is special and full of promise, they tell you everything you need to know about life.  Yes, you are special and full of promise.  However, so is just about everyone else sitting beside you.

Yes, kids, the name of the game when you become an adult is:

COMPETITION.

It's crazy out there.

 

But, I assure you, there is hope!  Even in this recession- and debt-riddled country, there is hope for all who are willing to fight the good fight to ensure their security and survival.  I admit, for some this hope is more realistic than others, but keeping a positive attitude is really about a third of the battle.

I have found that chance (or possibly fate) has a supreme hand in the job-finding business.  Sometimes you apply for a job online, forget about it for a few weeks, and then suddenly get surprised with a phone call (this has happened to me).  However, usually it doesn’t quite happen like that, especially if you care intensely about the career you are pursuing.  Every moment that you wait for your dream employer to call, be it a boss, a publisher, an agent, anyone, is absolute agony. You sit there, waiting to see if you are going to be able to pay your bills, pay off your debts and loans, pay for your medicine, and the worry and stress add just that many more lines to your face without getting you anywhere closer to that job.  A lot of managers don’t even like it when you check up on your application with a phone call or even an email (which is understandable, I suppose, they are busy people).

It comes down to this, from what I understand:

You do your absolute best, submit your application, check on it once, and let fate or chance or whoever figure it out from there. Just let go.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

There’s the trick, though:  you have to show your best work, your greatest individuality and talent, to as many employers as possible.  Let the world know that you are out there, searching for a job.  This means…you guessed it…

…getting off the couch and becoming active in the world.

 

If you haven’t noticed, this post is mostly me yelling at myself for getting pessimistic and a little too friendly with Netflix instead of getting off my bum and working to get a grown-up job.

But all of that is about to change!

So, what do I have to do?  Take my own advice, first of all.  Try to find a way to seem unique, to find myself and know what I have to offer, and then offer it to as many prospective employees as I can. Well, as many employees who are hiring people with my particular skills set, anyway.  That narrows it down significantly.

Then, maybe I can pay off some of my loans, save up some money, and go to graduate school like I really want to do. Wish me luck!

2010 in review

The stats helper monkeys at WordPress.com mulled over how this blog did in 2010, and here’s a high level summary of its overall blog health:

The Blog-Health-o-Meter™ reads Fresher than ever.

Crunchy numbers

A Boeing 747-400 passenger jet can hold 416 passengers. This blog was viewed about 1,400 times in 2010. That’s about 3 full 747s.

 

In 2010, there were 23 new posts, not bad for the first year! There were 49 pictures uploaded, taking up a total of 64mb. That’s about 4 pictures per month.

The busiest day of the year was August 20th with 22 views. The most popular post that day was About.

Where did they come from?

The top referring sites in 2010 were WordPress Dashboard, myfountainonline.com, facebook.com, twitter.com, and timsnediker.wordpress.com.

Some visitors came searching, mostly for miley cyrus mouth open, high school hallways, the stepford wives, rob lowe, and miley cyrus ass.

Attractions in 2010

These are the posts and pages that got the most views in 2010.

1

About January 2010
2 comments

2

Who are the new great poets and authors? January 2010
9 comments

3

Living life… (Or, the world of a Teacher) April 2010
3 comments

4

What is going on here? February 2010
2 comments

5

Takin’ on the big one. September 2010
2 comments

Takin’ on the big one.

Relationships.

School.

Applications.

It’s started.

I had a break up just as the semester began, when I needed to really knuckle down on my graduate school applications.  Becoming an adult is stressful.

However, I have to say that I am handling things much, much better than I thought I would.  I have a lovely binder separating all of my information, a colorful planning board which breaks up my tasks into doable bits, and a lot of help from my advisor/thesis mentor, friends, and family.

Besides all of that, though, I’m starting to realize how lucky I am.

I get to join the ranks of women who have braved new cities, new lives, new possibilities.  If I get into a good graduate school, I will get to study literature with some of the finest minds in the country.  I’ll be challenged more than I ever have, facing myself and my abilities in my most vulnerable state of mind.

I’ll be completely out of my comfort zone, but I will be able to face those challenges and come out of it a much stronger person.  This is really what I’ve been waiting for, what I’ve spent my whole life working hard in school for, the reason I have built good habits to get good grades, the reason I did a lot of activities and put in the extra time and effort.  This is the moment I have been building towards for a long time.

This has been a really challenging year for me, and next year will be even more difficult…  But I am ready for it.

I am ready to face my fears and move forward in spite of them.

Michelangelo depicted David at the moment he decides to fight Goliath. Can you see the determination in his eyes? The power in his body, ready to take on the giant? Just brilliant.

If you ever feel like you are facing an insurmountable obstacle, if you ever feel overwhelmed, do what I do and watch this video.

It always makes me feel like I can take on the world…

…because honestly, that’s what I’m going to do.

My favorite little thing about Paris…

…was that a HUGE fresh market set itself up twenty feet from my hotel every Sunday.

I didn’t take pictures of the Farmer’s Market myself because I was busy shopping and having a WONDERFUL time, but I found some net pics that give you a pretty good idea.

People would crowd around the little booths, buying everything from delicious fruits and vegetables…

…to mouth-watering meats and wines…

…to clothing and jewelry.

It was so much fun, going through the hustle and bustle of bartering and sales.  Everyone was in a good mood, the venders shouting prices and making jokes with smiles on their faces.  I loved it!

The first time we went, my friend wanted to purchase a watermelon, but was uncertain how to ask for it in French.  She walked up with a shy smile and pointed at the watermelon, and the man asked her if she wanted it (in English).  She said yes, and he threw us a big cheesy grin, asking us how long we were in Paris while he bagged the watermelon.  We talked for a bit and made him laugh, and he tossed a couple of free bananas into the bag!  He was so nice!

It was a lovely way to start the week, I wish we had something like that close to my home now.

The little things like this, the small daily human interactions, reminded me that we are all just people, really, no matter where we live.

Interacting among the French people was my favorite little thing about Paris.

The Other Side of Paradise

So Paris was awesome…..

….but this has been a summer of painful awakenings and goodbyes.

Johnny Depp and Freddie Highmore in Neverland

I only have one year of college left and, for a person who has spent their entire lives in the classroom, the sudden realization of impending adulthood and responsibility is overwhelming.

I’ve never had to pay bills, make life-changing decisions, live far from home, or go somewhere where I would be completely and utterly alone. I attended a university in which I knew I had friends and a clear avenue for making more (band nerd), one that was a simple 45 minute drive away from the comforts of home.  I didn’t go home very often, mind you, but just knowing that it was there comforted me enough to allow me to focus on school rather than fear.  I did leave my best friends behind, and I suffered from severe loneliness my first year, but I had enough social avenues from the friends that were already at the university to keep myself distracted and forward thinking.

So overall, despite hardships, I made it through, I adapted, but I had help.

The reality of the situation hit me when one of my best friends told me she was moving away to graduate school last May.  In only three months.

However, like a true child, I spent much of the interim in severe denial, avoiding the pain of missing her and the pain of the prospect of losing everything I had ever known.  Paris was an amazing distraction, allowing me to divulge into another world completely, but it was waiting for me when I got home.

I love this Munch painting called "Puberty." It really captures the uncertainty and fear of budding adolescence.

In the weeks before and after Paris, I did something I haven’t done since I graduated high school when I  marathon-read the Harry Potter books:  I used fiction as a sort of numbing opiate to avoid reality.  Except this time, I watched Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

Now, don’t get me wrong, the show was really cool and interesting and I loved diving into the characters and world Joss Whedon had created.  I’ll probably even blog later about my praises and criticisms of the show, because I loved it.  But I can’t deny the convenient timing and unhealthy nature of my pursuit.

I couldn’t face the real world, so I lost myself in a false one.

This is a Dali piece based on Alice in Wonderland. You can see the melting clock encircling the tree, and Alice in her dress beneath, hiding from reality.

I honestly don’t know why, maybe it was because I ran out of Buffy and Angel episodes, maybe it was the increase of alone time, maybe my family was just driving me crazy, but something changed.  I think it was a slow realization, rather than a Eureka moment.  I saw my friend come to terms with her emigration to another state, I went to a goodbye party for her and a few other friends who were also leaving.

I looked at a calendar, I looked at a clock, I looked in the mirror, and I anchored myself in reality again.

I had emerged from the rabbit hole and decided to face reality.  But what did that mean?  What was going to happen to me?  Where was my life going to go from there?

It was decision-making time, and even though I knew that it would be difficult, I had to face myself and my future.  But more than that, I wanted, I want, to ENJOY it.  That’s what I’m working on now.

Hello again!

So, it has been quite a long time since I’ve done this.  I read a post by a friend today, and decided to get back on the wagon.

This has been a summer of extremes and escapism for me.  I’m not terribly proud.

But I’ll start with the good.

At the Moulin Rouge!

Looking out from the Eiffel Tower!

The trip to Paris was an incredible experience that I’ll never forget.  Getting to live in a city with such history and beauty was a true privilege, one that has both changed and inspired me.

For three weeks, I lived in a sort of apartment/hotel in the Place d’Italie in Paris, France.  Few people spoke English very well, so I got to learn some French while I was there (J’aime le Paris!), which was really fun.

Mostly, I studied Hemingway and Joan of Arc.  Now, I love Hemingway, but the Joan of Arc story is just depressing!  No matter how you spin it, no matter if you hate her, love her, or are completely indifferent, she ALWAYS dies at the end.  Burned at the stake, publicly humiliated, etc.  Depressing.

BUT the trip was intensely and unmistakably one of the greatest experiences of my life.

Me kissing Oscar Wilde's tomb!

Lots of huge, beautiful Gothic churches.

So, for today we will conclude with the intensely amazing and enlightening.  I’ll share funny stories occasionally, maybe more pictures later.

But for now I feel good sharing just the beginning, just the hopeful and beautiful parts.

Next time will be a little different.

On Growing up (Or, It’s okay to take your time)

I think one of the hardest things about being a teacher is going to be constantly dealing with people while they are in the process of growing up.  I hope that I always remember how hard it is to make decisions when you are unsure of yourself, when the opinions of other people seem to matter more than your own, when your body gives you conflicting signals, and when adulthood and escape seem very, very far away.

I remember the institutional feel of the hallways and classrooms of my high school.  That time in your life is a sort of limbo, between being a happy child and a potentially happy adult, and the decisions you make there affect the rest of your life.  It’s a lot of pressure to put on people who are just making real life decisions for the first time.  There are many, many mistakes made, good intentions gone wrong, hopes crushed, lives ruined, on as many different paths as there are people paving them.

Many people in high school want to speed up the process, the transition period between childhood and adulthood, and so they choose to act according to their interpretation of what it means to be “adult.”  For some, it’s as simple as cursing or getting a tattoo or piercing.  Others get involved with relationships and sex.  Still others go for alcohol and drugs.  There are so many people drinking very early in life, having sex very early in life, having multiple partners early in life, that those who do not feel as if they are weird, wrong, inadequate, uncool.

This is from the Big Bang Theory, I LOVE that show!

But I cannot stress this enough:  YOU ARE NOT.

Every person has to make choices according to their own feelings.  Some people feel like having sex and drinking early and often is right for them, and it is their right to explore that option.  BUT IT’S NOT THE ONLY OPTION.  In fact, most of the people who choose that kind of lifestyle would not find satisfaction in it, if they were really honest with themselves.

My point is not that I think abstinence is the way to go.  I think expecting all teenagers to be abstinent is like expecting all teenagers to get straight A’s all the time–it’s unrealistic and unseeing of everyone’s unique personality and circumstance.  Nobody’s perfect.

Michael J Fox from Family Ties, he's this adorable little Republican.

Aaaaaand of course, the "perfect" Zac Effron.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

But I think it is important that people realize that even though on the surface getting around, getting that experience, trying to bridge that oh-so-awkward gap between adolescence and adulthood may feel like the only way to relieve your confusion and stress, YOU HAVE OPTIONS.  The hype of sex is absurdly disproportionate to the reality.

If you would like to have sex early, have it with someone you actually care about, and use protection.  If you don’t feel ready to have sex, that’s okay.  Most people in high school (hell, most people in college too, from my experience) a not ready for it.  Waiting will not make your life any more terrible, and it will not make you an unsatisfying lover when you do decide to have sex.  Most people are really bad at it for a long time before they get any better.

When you do make that decision you are exchanging one kind of stress for another:  the uncertainty of trying to find your adulthood changes to the uncertainty of feelings, heartbreak, pregnancy, even disease.   But when you are ready, you can handle that stress like an adult.

My plans for summer!

I am so excited, I have so many things that I’m going to do during this break!

Now, let me preface this by describing what my usual summer vacation is like.  The last three summers of my life have been spent thus:

Summer 2009- Ruby Tuesday

It’s not as glamorous as the picture might lead you to believe.  If you’ve ever been a server you know.

Summer 2008- Shell Station

Dear God, what a horrible summer, though I made decent money.

Summer 2007- Sitting at home doing nothing.

Needless to say I need a little excitement in my summer.

However, because of my unexplainable good fortune, I have an incredible opportunity this summer.

Paris!

For three weeks in June I get to go away to Paris and live and study and learn… I am incredibly excited.

However, since I will only be in Paris for a month, and summer is three months, I have compiled a list of things I would like to do before the fall semester.  I am a very goal-oriented person, and having a list of things to do, and then actually getting that list done, makes me feel like a happy little geek.

So, here’s the list!

1.  READING!  I have books to read not only for the classes I’m taking in Paris but also for my own soul.  I want to read something for FUN.  I have been reading for class for so long that I almost forgot what it felt like to breeze through a book just because I love it.  I’m already planning on rereading a Harry Potter book or two, then onto something absolutely ridiculous and fun that I’ve not quite found yet.

2.  WORKOUTS! I have a yoga tape, a new big bouncy exercise ball, and I’m going to buy hand weights so that while I’m watching my favorite episodes of House, Glee, Frasier, Family Guy, and Bones, I will be able to work my arms and core and not feel like a fat kid.  Plus, there are some advantages to being stuck in the middle of nowhere:  great scenery.  So I’m going to explore some of my natural territory and go walking or jogging.

3. FRENCH! Oh, dear.  This one is going to be hard.  I have to practice French so that when I get to France I don’t sound like a complete moron.  Plus, apparently to get into graduate school you have to know a foreign language.  So I’m going to be doing that.  Je ne voudrais pas etudier francais. I’ll try to make it fun though, and watch Disney songs and Sesame Street in French on Youtube.  I’m a little excited about that part

So that’s it!

It’s cool to be smart. It’s not cool to be serious.

Here is something that has to be said:  Fun is more than just fun… it is important.  It is valuable.

Something that I love about the study of literature and art is that I get to use my intelligence without having to be terribly serious all the time.  There are moments when the sadness of a piece can move me to tears, when the tone of a work moves me to deep contemplative thought…

But there is also a playfulness that gets overlooked.  A fun, sexy awesomeness that comes with reading stories.

Take this for example:

Doesn’t that just look like it was fun to make?

Or this:

‘Bard Bracy! bard Bracy! your horses are fleet,
Ye must ride up the hall, your music so sweet,
More loud than your horses’ echoing feet!
And loud and loud to Lord Roland call,
Thy daughter is safe in Langdale hall!”

This is Coleridge, describing a man in a great hurry.  Read it out loud–can you hear the horses running?  So playful, so fun, all in such a simple (however brilliant) form.

And how about this:

If you think this painting is boring or serious you must have a very exciting life.

Or This:

“I met a lady in the meads,
Full beautiful – a faery’s child,
Her hair was long, her foot was light,
And her eyes were wild.

I made a garland for her head,
And bracelets too, and fragrant zone;
She look’d at me as she did love,
And made sweet moan.

I set her on my pacing steed,
And nothing else saw all day long,
For sidelong would she bend, and sing
A faery’s song.”

This is Keats, describing an incredible love affair (which admittedly later turns rather sour).  But isn’t the description just wonderful?  ”Her eyes were wild” and she “made sweet moan.”

Whoever said literature was boring had NO idea what they were missing out on.

Why do you think Troy was so awesome?

Oh, yeah.  That’s literature.

Art and literature kind of play with your mind, they lead you to incredible moments that you wouldn’t have had otherwise.  Reading and observing should inspire you to be creative and active in the world, should inspire you to stretch out your emotions and consider other perspectives and be an overall better person.  I have books upon books upon books in my apartment, and if I could I would have paintings everywhere too.  Every book, every painting has a story, a gem of truth that wants to be seen.…

…but at the end of the day literature is expressive and beautiful and, most importantly, fun.  And art is the same way.  At least for me.

Living life… (Or, the world of a Teacher)

As a potential teacher facing college graduation in a year, I must ask myself quite a few questions.

Where am I going to graduate school?  How am I going to pay for it?  How hard will it be to start over in a brand new place?  Will I lose touch with my family altogether, or will I come back to Arkansas?  What if I find someone where I go, and they don’t want to live here?  What if I never see any of my friends again?  Will I even be a good teacher?  Is this going to be worth it?  What is going to happen to me?

Amidst all of these questions, I find myself still going to class, still living the college life that I’ve grown accustomed to, and among these daily activities I am studying American writers like Thoreau and Emerson.

If you’re not acquainted with these guys it’s totally cool, I’ll give you the scoop.  Basically they were writers and thinkers that loved Nature and wanted people to live better than the money-grabbing, materialistic life that is so common in America.

You gotta admit.  We Americans really like our stuff.

But beyond that, the idea of living your life for what you want to do, rather than what is expected of you, is an idea that we have close to our hearts.  As a culture which celebrates the individual, we are always asked:  What do you want to do with the rest of your life?

Unfortunately, the answer is expected to fit into a certain mold, a certain suitable career, a certain college, leaving little room for creativity.  The path to success is long, hard, and uncertain, except that you must keep to the path.

But…  What if I want to take a better look at the present?

Here’s what I’m afraid of:

I’ve been in school since I was 5 years old.  I graduated High School at 18 and went straight to college.  I’ll graduate from college when I am 22.  I’ll go to graduate school until I’m about 25.  I’ll become a teacher by the time I’m 26.  I’ll probably move around, go to different schools, but essentially I will teach until I can retire (which by the time I’m that old will probably be about age 150).

This all sounds wonderful to me, the kind of person who has always excelled academically and hated summer vacation, because I will get to spend the rest of my life in school.

But the thing is… I will be spending the rest of my life in school. Will I ever know what it is like in the real world?  Will I ever get any real experience?  If I don’t, can I possibly ever have the chance of being a good teacher?

I don’t want to settle into my comfort zone and be just another kind of closed-minded.

What else could I do, though? ……. This question has been haunting me for weeks, ever since my class first started covering these writers.  I’m not really good at anything else, I’ve never really tried anything else.  I wouldn’t know what to do with myself without school.

The more puzzled I am by this question, the more compelled I feel to answer it.  So that’s what I’m working on now.